Last week I had the opportunity to speak to Law Institute Victoria members on Dealing with difficult people… a topic that is relevant to us all.
People can be the best of our day and they can be the worst of it. Sometimes it’s their style, their background, their current experience impacting their emotional state… or they could just have a way of dealing with things that grates on our way, causing upset.
The fact is, we cannot control how they behave, we can only control how we respond to them. To some extent it depends on the situation, the relationship and power to role ratio; however, the following points will help in almost all situations.
1. Don’t take it personally.
Chances are it is more about them than it is about you and it doesn’t serve you to take on their emotion or behaviour.
2. Respond rather than react.
In the moment you may want to shout back or feel you have no choice but to do what they are demanding… take a breath, consider the bigger picture and bring some calm by responding in a manner and tone that reduces the intensity rather than aggravates it.
Focus on the facts and the positive outcome that you wish to see and be patient... it may take some time before you reach a mutually agreed way forward.
3. Listen with the intent to understand.
Often emotions are heightened when we don’t feel we are being listened to. Actively listen to them and ensure they understand you have heard their message.
You don’t have to agree with what they are saying, but for them to in turn listen to you, you must first show them they have your attention.
4. Acknowledge their behaviour and let them know if it’s not ok.
People will continue to overstep boundaries if you do not establish and maintain them.
If the power ratio in your relationship is balanced, let them know respectfully but firmly that their behaviour is not ok eg “I am happy to receive your feedback / help you / do that for you, but I expect you to speak to me appropriately.”
If the power ratio is imbalanced, seek support to ensure the behaviour does not continue.
(*And if you suspect they are struggling through their own issues, see if there is anything you can do to help them to get the support they need.)
5. Ensure you are topping up your energy.
This is especially important if you regularly find yourself dealing with difficult people.
Think about what brings you energy and actively bring more of that into your day, this could be out of work activities like exercising, socialising or eating healthy; or during the day, stepping out for some fresh air on your lunch break, having a mindful cup of tea or focussing on a change of task.
Also, taking a five-minute break before or after a difficult interaction can be helpful, as can a respectful debrief with a colleague.
6. Learn from each interaction.
One thing is for certain, there will be more difficult people you will encounter.
Even though it is unlikely that any two interactions will be the same you can learn from each experience. Take the opportunity to reflect on each interaction, considering what you did well, and what you would do differently next time.
7. Build your skills and seek out support.
Long term you may seek training and/or the support of a coach or mentor to increase your skills in dealing with difficult people and situations.
Further, your organisation may offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) providing confidential counselling services to help you manage any personal upset from such encounters.
In my experience these points are a strong start to creating positive outcomes from difficult situations.
Find this article useful? Feel free to share it with others because life’s too short to try to learn it all yourself!
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If you would like further information or to arrange some support in building this skill please don’t hesitate to contact me. I look forward to helping you build your success your way.
Yours in success,
Vicki